I think I am tired of thinking. Today I had the rough draft of a paper due in class. I neither wrote the paper nor attended class. Spring is in full bloom and I have better things to do, like walk barefoot around campus in khaki shorts and an old t-shirt watching people be happy. This is much better than sitting in a classroom with no windows, no matter how interesting the topics being discussed in said classroom may or may not be.
I feel that I am tired of feeling. This year I’ve been learning how to manipulate my emotions. It is rewarding but extremely exhausting, and I’m sick of dealing with vague, slippery things like feelings. I think having to deal with my emotions this year stems from my having to deal with people this year. It’s sort of my job, to love people. It’s the best job on campus, no lie, but it take a lot out of me, and I am very much looking forward to the coming summer, when I will work, eat, sleep, and read. Emphasis on the second and fourth members of that list.
This week I had some phenomenal one-on-ones and it made me want to rewind all the way back to life stories and do this year again. I say that I’m going to avoid people but my friend Lindsey is right, they are like crack cocaine to me, not in the sense that they drive me into poverty or are the government’s way of keeping my people in the ghetto, but in the sense that they make me really happy. I learn so much from them. They have shaped, encouraged, hurt, broken, and loved me in ways I don’t yet fully understand.
I am one of the lucky ones, because I am continuing in this program and taking a few people with me. All of the relationships I’ve worked so hard on this year will change. That’s hard and it hurts. Something between my heart and my liver twists and tightens when I think about it. Today we share a common bond, and in two months, a common history—will those friendships carry over? Some of them will not, due to distance or lack of time, and that’s OK. It isn’t healthy to cling to something that isn’t yours.
We’ve spent eight months building a community where people feel like they belong to one another, and we’ve succeeded. Job well done, but what now? I think it’s important to remember that we are united by a common destination but divided by different pathways. Explore that metaphor at your own risk. I think it might paint a little to passive of a portrait, but it has its uses.