This might end up being one of those emo posts. And the emo era is past.
Today was frustrating, because we had a very special guest at our staff meeting and he was amazing. Whatever this man is tapping into, I want to do the same. He didn’t need us–the man’s life is all about chasing bad guys and creating just court systems in Uganda and crazy stuff like that. He was there simply to encourage us and tell us he believed in us, and that meant the world. It was beautiful.
But I must be feeling sensitive today, because my high didn’t seem to last as long as everyone else’s. I kind of just watched everyone from below as they filled up with helium and floated effortlessly through life, talking about all the amazing things the Lord is doing in their lives and how God met them this week.
Meanwhile, I just felt . . . religious.
I just didn’t feel like there was room for my mediocre week amidst everyone’s joy and happiness. I’m sure not everyone’s life is sunshine and rainbows, but I don’t think many people wanted to talk about the cloud cover: about my nagging fears of mediocrity, my struggles with dark parts of my ego, my temptations and doubts and, well, issues. I wasn’t about to bring everyone down with my issues. But it was rough watching everyone have this high that I wasn’t really feeling, you know? I felt cut off and alone in the midst of a community that I’d been investing in for months.
I think I’m easy to read, because I was getting some funny looks. I need to be OK if Jesus takes over staff time the way he did tonight. It’s just that I had other things in mind for that time, and I need to get over that.
Of course, there was also the not-so-veiled insult slung my way. Yup. That might have stung a little.
Forgiveness is a difficult thing.