Forget the GLBTQ community, guys. Seriously. The real oppressed minority of today’s society is . . .
Lefties. Your remember those crappy metal scissors you had to use for crafts in third grade? Well, guess whose were even crappier? That’s right, the lefties’. The left-handed scissors were about two inches shorter than the right-handed ones. Why? What kind of sick world wishes to give left-handed children an inferiority complex?
Now, you right-handed people are probably thinking, why do we even need left-handed scissors anyway? I mean, scissors are scissors. You would think so, but try using a regular pair of scissors in your right hand. What you’ll find is that the top blade—the top scissor, if you will—obscures your view of the cut your are making. This the kind of thing I deal with every day, folks. Now wonder our kind has a shorter life expectancy. We’re victims of serious institutionalized injustice!
Our very language is skewed in favor of the right-handed. When lefties write in English, or most other languages for that matter, they’re writing is immediately obscured by their hand! And what’s more, we always end up with ink or pencil lead smeared on our hands because we’re forced to drag our hand across what we write. It’s messy and inconvenient. If only I wrote Hebrew or Arabic . . .
Ever had a cool mug with a graphic or slogan emblazoned on it? If you’re right-handed, I hope you enjoy it more now, because lefties can’t see the graphic: it’s printed on the wrong side?
But you know what? I think that the right-handed community, a while back, started to feel a little guilty about all of this inconvenience. After all, we gave them Caesar, Charlemagne, da Vinci, Jefferson, Lincoln, Ford, and Einstein. There is one thing, and one thing alone, with which the right-handed community has shown us lefties some grace. They’ve thrown us a bone with this one, really made some sacrifices in order to show us just how thankful they are for all of those great people (and the many that I left out). With this one thing, we are allowed to use our dominant hand without inconvenience. That one thing is . . .
No, really. Thank you.